It's been awhile.....

Wow...it has almost been over a year since I have decided to open up this account and start a post.  I am not quite sure why it has been close to a year, but it has.  I mean it could be a multitude of reasons, but the main reason is that I just have not made it a priority.  See I struggle every day to try and get all the things on my to do list so that I can start each day new with a new to do list.  I seriously hate seeing items carry from one day to the next.  I am not sure if it is an OCD thing or if it is a sign of failure in my mind because why couldn't I have gotten all the things done?  This is where my pressure on myself begins.

This year is my first year of not having kids during the day.  I went from being a teacher full time, to a full time teacher and mommy, to full time mommy, and now I am a full time mommy with no one at home.  I struggle with this because really what is my purpose?

I have always been one that needs to have a purpose, that way to measure that my day has not been wasted.  In my current situation I feel like a lot of my days are wasted.  Wasted on cleaning and prepping to then start it all over the next day.  It is like I am getting into a funk of unimportance.  Now I know that after writing that I am important and I do have a purpose, but it does not get those questionable voices out of my brain.

Those voices consume me most days.  I feel like I am drowning and there is no way to escape death.  I can't see past the few days ahead of me and it brings me further down to the bottom of the ocean, to only smother me with doubt and anxiety.  And the scary thing is that once I get to the bottom and the doubt sets in, so does the paranoia.  It gets so deafening that I begin to question the strongest of friendship I have and over analyze the texts or conversations, and I just am done.

As each new season of life that is brought upon my doorstep I try to embrace the new beginning, but this past change has truly sent me running in the other direction.  I have found that even before accepting this new season, I busied myself by taking on any responsibility to make me feel important or have a purpose rather.  I truly think I was afraid to have quiet and peace, and in that fear I busied myself and now here it is the end of January and I am burnt out.  I don't think I have ever felt so burnt out in my life.  I honestly think I had more energy when we were preparing for our last move here to Nebraska, completely the last week of my masters classes, finishing up report cards, and managing my two kiddos who were under three and one!  And as I reflect upon that burnt out and tiredness that I feel now, it scares me because honesty what is it that is that is causing it?

It is funny how I had my entire life mapped out at age 23, as I began my journey to Alaska to become that teacher I desired to become and now here I am a tired mom that herds her kids from point A to point B and trying to keep it together.  I don't regret one minute of where I am today or what I have done in the past, but I do wish I could get back to the surface to embrace this life I am suppose to live.  I wish that getting out of my own head and leaving those voices to be on mute was only as easy as typing those words.  I truly believe that it is a constant struggle and battle that I will endure until it is time for the next season to begin.  I feel uncomfortable and uncertain of this season I am in and I think that is what I struggle with the most.  It is uncomfortable.  I always have had that purpose or evaluation for me to allow myself to become better at what I was doing, but currently there is no evaluation or self check to see how I am doing.  I am simply living the season and hoping I am doing it right and attempting to not let those looking in judge me for the hot mess that I  am.

Now I want those reading to realize I am not writing this for pity.  I am writing this out so that I can reflect and see that maybe in a week or two I have gotten better.  I need to see progress.  I need to prove to myself that it will be okay and there is a continual purpose for me to be living in the season of life I am right now.  With all that being said, all I ask after you read this is that you just accept the crazy, hot mess I am and just be patient.  I won't be and probably can't be the person I was a year ago, but I am beginning to see that maybe the new person I am to become will be the best version yet.