Lent

Obviously I am off by a long shot on chatting about Lent as the beginning has come and gone, but life has gotten a little busy and I finally feel I have a few minutes to jot down what I am doing this year for Lent.

When I was younger, we never gave things up for Lent, as I am not sure if it was just not recognized in my family or our church, but we really never did give anything up.  I remember that our pastor spoke of reflection during this time, but that is about all the recollection I have.  As we have become active in our church since moving to Nebraska, I have really given Lent a second thought.  Really worked on that reflection and what it all meant in my life.  See this year was the first year that I went to an Ash Wednesday service and I think this really got me thinking.  I really need to work on patience, especially with my children, and that is when I decided that I would reflect for them.

Two years ago I decided I was going to write 40 letters to those who inspired me through the year.  I have to say I only got about 20 done and I am ashamed to say this, but it is what it is.  This year I found two, small notebooks for my kids and I explained to them that I would write each day in these notebooks about one thing I love about them.  Some days it is harder than others, especially after a rough day, but you know what I can always find a new thing that I love about my kids.  Something as simple as a love for books, and when they read their special notebook daily they get excited and smile.

Lets face it, there are many days I yell or get on my kids for certain things, and I know they feel it is because I don't like them.  This is just a way for me to ask for forgiveness from them and let them know I do love them.  It is my simple gesture that is added to an apology or an "I love you".

So for the remainder of Lent, I will continue to find different reasons as to what I love about my kids and continue to build them up.  Hopefully they will keep these when they are down to feel better about themselves if they ever get to that point so they can see all the great qualities they hold.  Audrey even did mention to Ayden she was going to keep this notebook for forever, and I know Ayden will because he is a hoarder.

  

Fur Babies

Okay if you don't know me personally, I have three cats.  One we have had since Ayden was born, and then two summers ago we (and by we I mean the kids and I) got two kittens that were sisters.  Adding two more cats has created a ton of chaos to our lives.  There is so much more food and scooping of the litter and keeping tabs on their location than I ever want to admit, but I truly do love each one of them as well as my kids.  The hubby has a love/hate relationship with the cats, but he is in it for the long haul.

This morning was quite the interesting day with these felines as they were all feisty when I came downstairs at 5:15 to have a quick pre workout meal.  I made sure they had food and water and just went about my business.  I could hear a lot of running on the main level while I did my workout, but it wasn't until Audrey came down to the basement with only a few minutes left in my workout did she announce that our brown cat, Brown Sugar, had done something naughty.  Now the workout was hard and I may or may not have been trying to just get through the last few minutes and told Audrey no talking until I was done.  The fact that she patiently waited until I finished to tell me the news, I knew that it was going to be pretty outlandish on what this cat did.  See this cat in particular is very anxious, I mean to the point where I do believe she needs to be on kitty Prozac because our older cat bullies her.  She retaliates by peeing on my bath mats.  I have learned to put mats up high so this problem has stopped, but she has found a new way to get back at me for having the older cat in the house.  Because after I finished my workout, Audrey informed me that Brown Sugar had peed in the bathtub.  I mean I guess peeing in the tub is better than the carpet or a bath mat, but seriously use the litter boxes that we own.

We carried on our morning and I got the kids to school, and that is when I noticed the cats were just in a weird mood.  Like doing things they typically don't do.  I am not sure if there is some sort of pressure change or moon thing going on, but they are reacting to something and being naughty.  I went to make a protein shake for breakfast after getting ready this morning and our calico cat decided she wanted to investigate what was in the fridge...no thank you.

And then not even two minutes later I found Brown Sugar in a sink in our powder room.  Talk about weird, but there she was all relaxed as if she has done this many times before.

I guess what it breaks down to is that these four legged animals drive me absolutely crazy.  I mean to the point where I begin to think about re homing them, but at the same time I see how much love they have for my kids, except the older one, and how much my kids love them that I couldn't tear their little bond apart. So I guess I am stuck with the crazy cats.

Academics verse Empathy

About two weeks ago we were able to get the kids report cards online.  Seriously this is a hard concept for me because I just loved having that paper report card to share with my parents.  Something about bringing home a piece of paper with my accomplishments in a manila folder was heavenly.  I know I was probably one of the few that enjoyed this and I know we are trying to create less paper by viewing these report cards online, but I still print them off at home.

Okay, back to my kids and their report cards.  See I could not be any happier with their progress since the beginning of the year.  They are obviously learning and excelling in areas of their interests.  According to Ayden he really likes specials and math, the rest is boring.  Audrey she loves everything academic and the arts. She just doesn't feel PE because they have to run.  If you have met Audrey she can be a lovely child, but she lacks the whole effort gene.  See she doesn't like to work hard for things...dear sweet child just wait until third grade when the challenges really come your way.

Now onto the comment section of their report cards.  Audrey has the brown nosing thing down to a "t".  I mean seriously how can the child that comes home with sass and attitude be that great in school?  In all reality I love that she is respectful and on task for her teachers, but I would like her to provide this behavior for me every once and awhile.  (Sorry Audrey, but it is the truth.)  With dear sweet Ayden, it is very evident that he is feeling a little more comfortable in kindergarten because his comments were all great, but we need to work in one specific area...anyone have a guess?  His weakness is staying on task and taking his time.  I know this is a boy thing, but this kid is like a squirrel some days.  I get to volunteer in his class and I see it.  He is easily distracted if it is not something he is really feeling at that moment, and he just wants to get through the activity and doesn't always do his best.

Both kids are works in progress and will continue to have their strengths and weaknesses, but this morning I was sent a quote from a dear sweet friend and it hit close to home.  I have said this many times that it doesn't matter what my kids want to be when they grow up.  I mean currently Ayden wants to be a professional scuba diver and Audrey wants to be a teacher or a dance instructor (it changes all the time).  All I want for my kids is to be able to walk away with understanding the concept of empathy.  I don't care if they are the best at something in terms of their academics or sports, but I do want them to do what is right and to be kind.  This is a hard thing to do as a parent to focus on the big picture of wanting to raise empathetic human beings because we want them to be successful in all areas, but honestly is being the smartest kid going to make the world a better place?  Okay yes they may find a cure for a disease, but you get my point.  But I can honestly say that if I teach my kids to be kind to everyone, even if it makes them stand out as being strange, I feel that they will be making the world a better place one good deed at a time.

I leave you with the quote below, and my vulnerability that I am continuously failing at this parenting thing.  I mean if there was a manual we would all be doing such a great job.  However that is not how life works, so I dare you to join me in focusing on the empathy and kindness of your children verse the other strengths in their lives and build a loving and kind future through our little humans.

Daddy/Daughter Dance

Last Thursday, Audrey and Tyler did a Daddy/Daughter dance.  I can not express how excited Audrey was to do this dance with her Dad.  There would be dinner and dancing.  Little did she know all the sweets this would also entail until she arrived.

I was so excited that Tyler and Audrey were able to get their special time together because unfortunately we do not do special times with the kids individually as much as I would like.  In the picture you can actually see how truly excited she was.

When Audrey returned home, it was apparent she was on a sugar high, but so tired as well.  She took off her dress, brushed through her hair, and brought me her tights that had a hole in the butt because they did a lot of dancing is what her response was.  I really didn't have any words, so I kissed her goodnight and off to dream land she went.

Now I wasn't feeling 100% that evening, so I simply confirmed with Tyler if she truly had fun and if it would be something they would do again, which was a yes to both questions.  I asked about the tights...I mean seriously was my daughter dropping it like its hot or was this just normal wear and tear on a pair of tights she has only worn three times?  Tyler confirmed her dancing only consisted of twirling and slow dancing so the jury is still out on the tights.

What made this evening even more special was the conversation that happened at breakfast between Audrey and her brother.  I mean seriously she painted the picture of a magically evening with lots of sweets.  She could not leave that part out because obviously that was one of the highlights and I think she threw that in to make Ayden a little jealous too.  Regardless I knew that at that moment of the breakfast conversation, that Tyler and her time together was so special and worth her crankiness of getting dressed later that morning worth it.

It really put things into perspective that kids don't need things to show that they are loved.  All they need is your attention and time, which is a lot cheaper and more important to them than the latest and greatest toy.  I need to remember that on those days I feel defeated, that I gave my children something they will always remember...my time and attention.  Some days are harder than others, but it is always worth it.

You know it wouldn't be a good Monday if I did not share a story from my crazy world.  These little mishaps always happen when I least expect it and we truly do get a laugh out of it, but as things are happening I am not always laughing.

The chaotic story happened last evening while the everyone was watching the Super Bowl and I was getting dinner ready.  See our older, grumpy cat is what I call an adventure hunter.  I am sure in her mind she is the tiger ready to pounce on her prey, but she truly does not get many opportunities to hunt because she is an indoor cat.  She resorts to hunting the largest of the two kittens (not kittens anymore) and it has truly resorted in giving that poor cat anxiety and she is now a stress eater and pees on bathmats.

Now as I continue to give you more background knowledge of the four legged fur babies we have, I will also add that recently we have come to notice we have a rodent in our garage.  We never have had issues before, but recently a bag of cat food was nibbled into and a bag of bird seed, so we know it keeps coming back for food.  Of course all food is in a closed container now, and I honestly thought the rodent was gone, that is until my experience last night.

So onto my story about my fierce hunter.  Last night she was meowing at the garage door and really wanted to go out to the freezing garage.  At that point in the evening I was like fine, go freeze and think you are the beast you are not.  Of course at this point, Ayden decides football is not important and wants to go in the garage with the cat.  So both child and cat are in the garage, and I opened the door to check on them after five minutes and Ayden says he can't find the cat.  So I am standing on the steps with Ayden and the cat literally comes bolting out of a small crevice by where I have a bench and the kids shoes and there is a loud squeaking noise that is followed by a lot of commotion.  Ayden screams because well the cat scared him, but little did he know that the cat was on the pursuit of getting this rodent.  She ran to the opposite end of the garage where there was a lot of squealing at this point, and I am yelling for Ayden to get into the house before the great hunter chases the darn thing into my house.  Tyler of course comes running to see what is going on and Audrey is screaming because well I said the word mouse.  See it was all up until this point that I thought it was just a simple mouse, but the flash of this creature was not a small mouse and sure did squeak like a chipmunk, so who knows what is in our garage.

After the screaming stopped, I opened the door to get the cat in because quite frankly I couldn't deal with this anymore.  She swaggered into the house, a little winded, but thank the lord she did not come in with said rodent in her mouth.  That my friends would have sent me over the edge.  I do not know if this cat killed the rodent and it is frozen stiff somewhere in my garage, or if it escaped and will come back again for another round of hide and seek with the great hunter.  All I know at this point is that I cannot stand rodents, and I am not sure if I should let the cat into the garage ever again.  I remember this fall seeing a little 13 lined ground squirrel hanging around our garage, so I am assuming that is what is our problem, however if it is something like a rat or something crazy like that...just pray for me because I may just lose my mind.

Little Things

I really struggle with seeing the little things.  I truly do not take time in seeing the small masterpieces that are in our world, and only seeing what is in front of me that needs to be done.  This past seven days have been a little stressful in the Evans house as Tyler has been working the base exercise.  The kids really miss their dad and lets face it, I miss the help.

So this weekend, when absolute chaos was crashing around me and I was hustling us from one point to another I really had to step back and take a lesson from my daughter.  See Audrey has become pretty good at seeing the little things.  The simple pleasures in life that bring a smile to her face with a simple discovery.  Seriously people if only I could be like my daughter maybe I could get a wrangle on this anxiety issue!

It was at breakfast time and of course I became the short order cook, and both kids decided fruit was on the menu as well.  I washed a bunch of blueberries and gave them both a small bowl.  I was cleaning up dishes and really keeping an eye on the time because I do believe it was Sunday when we needed to leave the house by 9.  Audrey was literally screaming my name with hints of excitement and I began rolling my eyes because why must she be so loud.  Like I am only a few feet away from her and the water running wasn't that loud.  Plus she was eating blueberries, unless she was choking, which she wasn't, what could be so exciting?!?

For some bizarre reason my kids take their blueberries out of the bowls and organize them into categories of size.  The bigger ones are called big daddies and are the highest on the blueberry role of royalty, and of course the smaller ones are babies.  I am not sure where this even came from, but they do this and it drives me crazy because they never wipe up the water from the blueberries.  They also leave them in piles and eat them slowly, which is a blessing so they don't choke, but they also get up and go to the bathroom, in which then the naughty felines we have decide to climb up on a chair and bat those groups around sending even more chaos into my world.

Now that you have a complete visual of blueberry eating in my house, I will get to the point.  See Audrey was obviously excited about her discover as the was screaming my name.  I walked over to see what all the excitement was about and I discovered she had found a hear shaped big daddy as she called it.  I mean seriously it was a blueberry shaped like a heart and she couldn't have been more excited.  I am not sure if it was a situation where she was happy if she just found a cool shaped blueberry or if it was just because it was something she never seen before, regardless this made her day and literally set the tone for her entire day.  She even told me later on that afternoon that the heart was the most exciting part of her day.

Which makes me wonder...do I take time and find the little things in my life that make my day better?  It is so hard to stop and enjoy the little things as there is so much to do, but I bet if I took a lesson from Audrey, maybe I could come to just appreciate the little things and find further joy in each day.  So today as I am finishing up my to do list, I am going to embrace the little things that come across my eyes, and I challenge you to do so today as well.

Sleep

I have always been one that needs sleep.  If I do not get my 8 hours or more I really feel I struggle through my day.  And lets be real over here people, I struggle through my days a lot.  I intentionally go to bed early because I know my alarm is going to go off at 5, but I am still not getting enough sleep.

Have you ever tracked your sleep before?  I recently just began looking at my sleep patterns closer because I was thinking I was getting 8 hours of sleep, but still waking up tired.  I understood that your body went through different sleep stages in the evening, but I did not realize how often those stages cycled.  I have found that even though I go to bed early due to needing to get up early, I as still waking up quite a bit in the middle of the night.

Last night I went to bed at 830, and still came up short a half hour of getting my full 8 hours of sleep. This stuff fascinates me and frustrates me at the same time.  I researched that it is normal to see about 10-30 awake times each night, and most times you don't even remember being awake.  However last night I was awake for 73 minutes, and I don't remember any of it, accept once when I moved the cat off my leg but I rolled back over and fell back to sleep.

One sleep stage that I have noticed that is very equivalent to my awake time is my REM sleep.  REM sleep is to improve your memory and mood, and your dreams are the most vivid.  It has been a couple weeks since I remember my dreams.  This may be because I am not spending a lot of time in this stage either.  Could this lack of stage be the cause of my crappy attitude?

A majority of my sleep is in the light stage of sleep.  This is super important because it promotes mental and physical restoration, but this makes so much sense why I wake up so many times at night...I hear everything!!  Last night my light sleep made up 61% of my sleep.  I should feel mentally rested, however I secretly want a nap.

I have been looking back my past week of sleep and really have noticed that my deep sleep has only been on average about 10% of my sleep at night.  This is funny and sort of explains the lack of feeling refreshed.  Deep sleep helps with physical recover and aspects of memory and learning.  If you spend some solid time in this stage you are to feel refreshed, and I am noticing I never have a solid chunk of time in this stage.  I wonder what would help me get that?

Overall I am noticing that I need to try and get more sleep in my life, but I need to do this with balance.  I seriously should not be going to bed right after I put my kids to bed at 8, but it looks like I may need to start doing so, so I can get the rest I need to be a better person.  I have included a couple screenshots of my sleep from last night from my fit bit.  I am not exactly sure how accurate this is, but it does open my eyes a bit as to why I am so tired all the time.

Hopefully you are all sleeping better than I am over here.  Sleep is so important to our bodies and I really feel this part of rest gets neglected by more of us than anyone wants to admit.

Parenting a 100 year old

Parenting is not for the weak I tell you!

Yesterday was the hundreds day of school and I was so excited that the kindergartners would be dressing up like they were 100 years old.  Ayden was not nearly as impressed as I wanted him to be, but he did humor me when I practiced his make up and attempted to size his bow tie and suspenders for the day of.

So picture this, I have him in khaki pants and a button down white shirt.  He has on a black bow tie and suspenders.  I went ahead and painted his eyebrows grey with face paint, and gave him glasses to complete his outfit.  He liked it for the most part, all but the suspenders, but he was pretty cool with the idea.

Of course as a mom I have to take things to the next level and I found the baby powder and really thought that making his hair grey would just be fabulous.  I added the baby powder and it seriously completed his 100 year old look.  That is when the tears happened.  Like full blown sobbing and I didn't quite understand.  I got him under control, snapped a few pictures because you have to document everything cute your kid does, and started to talk with him.  First he just kept telling me the powder smelled.  Then he cried more telling me he just couldn't go to school looking like that.  Because it was literally five minutes before leaving I made him keep the powder in his hair, but what he did in the car just broke my heart.

As we were driving to school Ayden decided to really tell me what was wrong.  It wasn't the baby powder or the suspenders, it was what was going to happen at school.  His biggest fear through this fun activity was being made fun of.  And although many of his classmates would be dressed up as well, he was afraid that in the lunchroom or on the playground someone was going to laugh at him.  My heart literally broke and I simply told him that it was not okay if someone did that, but if they did it was probably because they felt poorly about them self if they poked fun at a kindergartner.  But seriously this was suppose to be a fun activity and the kid is only five and he is already worried about what others are going to think.

So I was that mom, watching my son get out of the car, not making eye contact with anyone, grabbing after his sisters hand so that he could be guided at the door not looking anyone in the eye. It was so evident he wanted to be invisible and not be noticed and get into his classroom.  And you can probably guess I had tears streaming down my face as I drove home because I forced my kid to do something I am not sure as an adult I would be brave enough to do.

Just another box to check

This school year I took on something that absolutely makes my heart happy.  I decided to lead one of the groups for the JAM (Jesus and Me) Club at our school.  What a great way to fill my cup and actually be with kiddos.  A win win situation in my book.  Since coming back from winter break I have been trying to be excited and passionate, but the weather seriously brought out some crazy in both the kiddos and myself.  So I do feel drained this month each Wednesday when I attempt to get the kids excited about scripture and messages.  However there is some good that comes from this tiredness.

See this month the kids are focusing on strengthening not only their bodies with New Year's resolutions, but strengthening their souls as well as connecting more to God.  Of course I am an open book to the kiddos and I told them that I was going to do two things this year:  work out daily and read my devotion in the morning.  It literally has taken me three weeks to do the latter.  I mean how hard is it to read a few pages in the morning.  I have the time mapped out.  I eat 1/2 hour before I work out, so there is not room for excuses, but I still drug my feet on this one.

It wasn't until recently that I finally said enough is enough and I grabbed that book and took it to the basement where I typically waste the half hour watching something irrelevant on Netflix.  I had the book downstairs so that I no longer had an excuse.  So last Wednesday I read my devotional and announcement this huge accomplishments to the kids.  They were not nearly as impressed with the accomplishment as I was, but hey I followed through.  I began actually sticking to the spiritual part of my resolution!

Thursday came along and I was all pumped because I once again read my devotional, but I am going to be honest with you I didn't like what it said, so I ran upstairs to grab my other one because I have two for the year of 2018.  I read that one and it was pretty much the same message and I was like huh maybe I should actually listen to it.  It is funny how one of the gals that helps in the JAM club actually texted me to check in to see if I actually followed through for Thursday in reading my devotional.  I boasted and informed her I did and that I was really excited that I am sticking to my morning decision so that it can set the tone of my day.  Funny thing is that I wasn't liking what I read, but hey I checked it off my to do list so winning in my book.

So as the day continues I took  look at those devotionals that sat down in the basement.  I mean I really took a look at those book and I realized I had been reading my 2017 devotionals.  Seriously people, it was as if I said I was doing my resolution, but in all reality I wasn't really doing the work or listening to the words on the pages, I was just checking off another thing to do on my to do list, and in doing so I didn't even pick the books with the right year!!  Bringing those books back upstairs to then see the books that were actually to be read for this year, made me a little ashamed that I just wanted to say I did accomplish a goal I had set for myself.

Now this was an easy fix, and yes on Friday I was reading the book and actually listening to what it said.  It actually had a great point and it did set the tone for how my day was going to go.  But what makes me wonder is how often do I go through life just checking off items on my to do list, and not truly embracing what is going on around me?  I think as I continue through this season of life that this is a sign that I need to stop just checking the boxes, and actually relish in the things that I am doing or at least start looking closer so I don't end up eating something expired.  :)

To Laugh or To Cry

I truly have no problem with laughing at myself, but some days I do question why things happen to me.  I mean I would be okay with a little less excitement some days.

Yesterday I decided after I finished volunteering I was going to be productive and wash my car.  I am a creature of habit, and even though I drove past a perfectly good car wash I kept driving because I am a creature of habit.  I wanted to wash my car where I felt comfortable.  Right there see I should have just taken the chance and went to the one closer to the house.  I mean obviously from my post yesterday, I am struggling with the unknown, and going to a new carwash would have been a great opportunity to try something out of my comfort zone.  But once again I ignored that sign from God.  Seriously...I need big signs like maybe a flashing billboard because you all know how well I listen to that inner voice that tells me to be brave.  And maybe I am just grasping at straws to think that the thought of changing lanes and trying a new car wash wasn't my own idea, but I am only rethinking how I listen to the good voices in my head.

Okay now on to the car wash.  My first sign should have been that the first bay I drove in did not take my credit card, but I thought to myself I'll just try another stall and just knock this out real quick.  Well I pulled into the next stall, slid my card through the machine and bingo I was off to a great start. I began rinsing off all the mud and salt from the week and switch quickly over to the soap feature to rinse off the last little bit of dirt.  I got all the way around the car and was just about ready to switch it over to the rinse feature again, and that is when things broke into absolute chaos.  See the hose sprung a leak and it was literally flailing all over.  It was like a scene from a cartoon, where the character chases after the out of control hose.  By the time I got a hold of the hose, I remembered to hit the off button cause that came a few seconds to late...thanks inner voice for that help, and then hung up the hose.  I walked to the driver side of my van, sopping wet and looking somewhat like a drowned rat, and realized that I should probably go to another stall and try and get the soap off the van.   I drove to the next stall and got out.  I went to swipe my card and yet another defeat...the machine was broken.  So that was two broken machines, and another stall with a broken hose, and a car that still had soap on it.  At this point I did admit defeat, got in the car and drove home.

See it doesn't seem to stop there because as I thought I would just throw the jeans into the dryer and blow dry my hair, I realized my jeans were too tight to take off wet.  Thank you very much food and wine I could not control over Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So there I was blow drying not only my hair before I had to get the kids from school, but my pants because lets face it that water was cold.

Now at this point I could only laugh because let me tell you, this story is so out there that I don't even know if I can make this stuff up.  So instead of crying and getting frustrated, I decided to today I would just laugh.  Because lets face it, I look a lot better laughing than crying.

It's been awhile.....

Wow...it has almost been over a year since I have decided to open up this account and start a post.  I am not quite sure why it has been close to a year, but it has.  I mean it could be a multitude of reasons, but the main reason is that I just have not made it a priority.  See I struggle every day to try and get all the things on my to do list so that I can start each day new with a new to do list.  I seriously hate seeing items carry from one day to the next.  I am not sure if it is an OCD thing or if it is a sign of failure in my mind because why couldn't I have gotten all the things done?  This is where my pressure on myself begins.

This year is my first year of not having kids during the day.  I went from being a teacher full time, to a full time teacher and mommy, to full time mommy, and now I am a full time mommy with no one at home.  I struggle with this because really what is my purpose?

I have always been one that needs to have a purpose, that way to measure that my day has not been wasted.  In my current situation I feel like a lot of my days are wasted.  Wasted on cleaning and prepping to then start it all over the next day.  It is like I am getting into a funk of unimportance.  Now I know that after writing that I am important and I do have a purpose, but it does not get those questionable voices out of my brain.

Those voices consume me most days.  I feel like I am drowning and there is no way to escape death.  I can't see past the few days ahead of me and it brings me further down to the bottom of the ocean, to only smother me with doubt and anxiety.  And the scary thing is that once I get to the bottom and the doubt sets in, so does the paranoia.  It gets so deafening that I begin to question the strongest of friendship I have and over analyze the texts or conversations, and I just am done.

As each new season of life that is brought upon my doorstep I try to embrace the new beginning, but this past change has truly sent me running in the other direction.  I have found that even before accepting this new season, I busied myself by taking on any responsibility to make me feel important or have a purpose rather.  I truly think I was afraid to have quiet and peace, and in that fear I busied myself and now here it is the end of January and I am burnt out.  I don't think I have ever felt so burnt out in my life.  I honestly think I had more energy when we were preparing for our last move here to Nebraska, completely the last week of my masters classes, finishing up report cards, and managing my two kiddos who were under three and one!  And as I reflect upon that burnt out and tiredness that I feel now, it scares me because honesty what is it that is that is causing it?

It is funny how I had my entire life mapped out at age 23, as I began my journey to Alaska to become that teacher I desired to become and now here I am a tired mom that herds her kids from point A to point B and trying to keep it together.  I don't regret one minute of where I am today or what I have done in the past, but I do wish I could get back to the surface to embrace this life I am suppose to live.  I wish that getting out of my own head and leaving those voices to be on mute was only as easy as typing those words.  I truly believe that it is a constant struggle and battle that I will endure until it is time for the next season to begin.  I feel uncomfortable and uncertain of this season I am in and I think that is what I struggle with the most.  It is uncomfortable.  I always have had that purpose or evaluation for me to allow myself to become better at what I was doing, but currently there is no evaluation or self check to see how I am doing.  I am simply living the season and hoping I am doing it right and attempting to not let those looking in judge me for the hot mess that I  am.

Now I want those reading to realize I am not writing this for pity.  I am writing this out so that I can reflect and see that maybe in a week or two I have gotten better.  I need to see progress.  I need to prove to myself that it will be okay and there is a continual purpose for me to be living in the season of life I am right now.  With all that being said, all I ask after you read this is that you just accept the crazy, hot mess I am and just be patient.  I won't be and probably can't be the person I was a year ago, but I am beginning to see that maybe the new person I am to become will be the best version yet.