Living through Art

You were born to make art.  Because you were also made to live art.  ~ Emily Freeman

I have begun reading a book by Emily Freeman, A Million Little Ways, and all I can say is it is resonating with me.  Now I have only made it through the first chapter because I have a book study to get through for our MOPS group by Sunday and I love my crazy thrillers that I have to get in as well. But the two sentences I shared with you above are so true.

There are days I feel like I just am not good enough at anything.  Seriously how do these people make raising humans so easy?  How do people get their to do lists completed?  How does one get their little boy to not use potty words all the time?  I worry that I just can't do it right.  But at the same time, I have to be doing something right if everyone is still alive right?  I consider that a daily win, and it's an added bonus if my kids are dressed and have brushed their teeth.

It is after reading this first chapter, I have realized that not everyone is perfect in all areas.  Okay lets be real here, NO ONE is PERFECT.  We are all good at one thing, but identifying what that one thing is, is sometimes hard.  See about six years ago, I would have said I was good at teaching.  It was my talent that I shared with society.  But now that I am no longer teaching, I have wondered well what else am I good at?  Sure some would say well you are good at being a mom, and I could agree to a certain degree, I mean they are still breathing right?  Yet that isn't what I feel is my talent.  Being a mom isn't my talent, but rather it is my job that I am grateful for.

Freeman in the book discusses how she was moved by a musician and how the talent of this woman was inspirational.  I want that, I want to be inspirational.  Maybe this sounds vain, as I go back and read what I wrote, but believe me I want more than the vanity of the talent.  See what I truly want is I want to make and live art.  I want to be able to do something I love, share that talent, and live and embrace others art as well.

For example, I cringe every day when I have to clean up scraps of paper and scrub tables when my children's art and projects have littered the kitchen.  I need to stop getting frustrated at the concept of cleaning a mess, but rather embracing and living in the moment of what my babies are making.  Mind you this will be a work in progress because those OCD issues kick in and I have to fight the urge to get frustrated, but I know they are trying to find their art or God given talent and share it with the rest of the world.

So here I type, vulnerable, searching for my God given gift, excited to one day share it with you all, but until then I will live through all of your art and be grateful I have each and everyone of you in my life!

I am back...for a day anyway:)

Wow!  It has been forever since I have sat down and done a little writing, but today it just had to be done.  Now I have no driving force to be blogging today, as I am suffering from an incredible, intense sinus infection that is showing no mercy, but I just miss it.  This is my outlet and lets face it, I haven't been writing so you probably can only imagine the craziness that has been going on in my brain.

Now mind you I do have a few other hobbies, like reading and working out, but I miss this.  So here I am ranting about not feeling well, and amazingly I am feeling a little bit better.  Well except for the fact that my son is attempting to read at the loudest decibel possible about elephants.  Here is my thought on that, and it will probably make me look like a bad human being, but I could give a rat's behind about elephants because I have read the book eighty million times.  But this is my life.

I have learned over the past few months about myself is that this is my world.  The controlled chaos, okay maybe not so controlled, is just what we do right now.  I spend all day entertaining, feeding, and chauffeuring my little humans around.  There are days I do feel that I just cannot do this much longer.  Like seriously, how much can one human take, right?  But then again I have learned that I need to be looking for the silver lining in every event that occurs in house, good or bad, so that I can appreciate even the little, but crazy things.  Believe me this is a work in progress because currently I am sick and I do not feel like entertaining Ayden all day long, but that is my job to help nurture his creativity and support him in everything he does.

Ugh....this is a lot harder than it sounds, but you know what, I need to remember that I am so lucky to be Ayden and Audrey's mom.  Sure some days I feel like I have lost my identity and I am just their personal butler, but then I am humbled quickly when I think of those who long to have these opportunities.  That is when I realize that I was chosen to be these little humans momma for a reason.  They have so much to teach me, as I do for them.  I just pray every night that I don't screw it up when we've had a bad day, but just as a back up plan I have verified that Tricare does cover therapy, so I have covered my bases.  :)

Have a fabulous day friends!

Growing Up

Every day I am amazed by the growth of my children.  But recently I have noticed that my little Ayden has just become a little man verse the little toddler I have always seen him as.  Now don't get me wrong we are still a threenager, however the other day all decked out in his button down shirt and jeans he looked grown up and I did not like it.  In all reality Ayden is our last biological child we will add to our family, and although I am so grateful for my two beautiful children that is a hard pill to swallow when your baby is getting to be so independent and grown.

The other day we were working on letters and I was just floored on how far along  he is when it comes to his knowledge of letters and phonics.  He wants to learn and eats it up as we give him knew knowledge, and the kid retains it, even though I think he may not be listening.  For example, when Audrey was three and had her conferences in February she still had struggled with a few letters to recognize in print, and to my amazement Ayden is right there.  Now Audrey could totally write her name, and with Ayden all we can do is make an "A" and spell his name.  That is where things get sticky though, I cannot compare the two kids.  They are so different and will continue to be different in so many ways.

Lets talk about physical abilities.  Ayden surpasses Audrey by far when it comes to physical stuff, but I think that comes with the territory.  He is a boy that loves to learn through discovery and play, where Audrey is okay with being the slow one.  Honestly I feel Audrey would love to be in physical therapy for the rest of her school career, but our pocket book is going to not be able to supply that dream if she wants to do other activities.  :)  Then there is speech.  Audrey was great and still is in her vocabulary and articulation.  With Ayden, we are in the process of getting him tested for speech this week because even though I can understand him, others around him struggle.  And for once I have found the proper route to go through, the school district, to get free services if that is the route we have to go through.  Now the even though I felt a little overwhelmed with the speech thing, I really cannot beat myself up over it.  Lets look at the situation, Ayden has a built in translator and speaker (Audrey) and he doesn't have to talk as much as she had to.  I know that Ayden is super smart, but if he needs help with his speech it can only help him become even more intelligent because then we all will understand him right?

I think I need to stop worrying about everything and realize that my kids are just perfect the way they are.  If they need a little extra help in certain areas, that is just fine, because at least we can get them the help they may need.  I am sure I could have benefited from a little physical therapy in my earlier years, but look at me now, oh wait lets not do that as I still run into walls.  But the bottom line is everything is going to be just fine and I need to stop overthinking it all and embrace the joys.

Life

Okay so let me be honest....even though I know that writing is a stress relief for me, it has totally taken the back burner.  The past few months I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Shuttling kids here and there, making sure lunches and backpacks are packed, and trying to keep up with the daily things of life.  Seriously, just thinking about it just makes me exhausted, and that is what I am exhausted and I don't see any sign of things slowing down ever.  It is as if once both kids began school, my life revolves around school.  As an educator I should be used to this rat race, but as a mom I just am not getting the hang of everything as quickly as I would like.

I work with both kids on reading, letter identification, sounds and blends, one-to-one math correspondence, and I just want them to play.  Seriously the teacher inside of me should love the fact that my children have this drive, but at the same time, I want them to just play.  Play to learn and understand how to problem solve without having WW III in my home.  As much as I sometimes beat myself up because I tell my kids to color or play, instead of completing a craft or school related activity, I have to remember they are learning with all that they are doing.  But most of all, they are learning from me.  They learn by seeing how I react to things, how tired I probably must look as I run around trying to get all the things done on my to do list.

I probably should stop all this because in all reality my kids aren't going to remember if the chores all got done or if I made that fabulous meal, but rather they will remember that I spent time with them.  Time that I don't always feel I have because I have so much to do, but in all reality the rat race has just begun and can only get worse.  I need to embrace the time we have and the fact that the kids still want to spend time with me.  And I am going to be okay if I decide to go to bed after the kids go to sleep because lets face it mopping the floor at 8 pm is crazy in this season of life.  I know a little human will be awake at the butt crack of down to dirty that floor that I stayed up extra late to clean, so I should just save myself time and frustration and breathe and enjoy the life in front of me!

So when all is said and done, what I have wrote is all stuff I have heard and said before, but I really need to listen.  It is like this is my demon that I am constantly fighting, and it is about time I won instead of the demon!

Just when you think it can't get any worse....

Oh My Lanta!  I know that it has been forever and a day since I last blogged, but seriously I am having to prioritize and unfortunately blogging has become low on the priority list.  I know...sad right?  Seriously blogging is something that makes me happy, but I just have to give up on being so dedicated to writing every day.  I however have not given it up.  I just had to share this story with you all as I just thought my life couldn't get any crazier.

It all began yesterday.  A typical Sunday, but see it really wasn't because I was up from 1-5 because I was dealing with a child who was afraid of bugs and then I couldn't fall back to sleep.  I seriously struggle with this not falling back to sleep thing and it totally makes me a cranky and irritable person.  So regardless to say I was on edge yesterday and the kids well were taking things up a notch.  To the point where Tyler and I were discussing how fabulous that bottle of local  wine would taste late afternoon.  We just had a few things to complete before our day could wind down.  Church and the musical Pete the Cat were the two obligations and then we could tend to our laundry, dinner, and being a family.

We successfully made it through both things and honestly the kids occupied themselves nicely up until after dinner.  Then sheer fatigue set in for all of us.  At one point I was getting a graphic ready for my MOPS group and was messaging another momma, and while doing this my kids were fighting like cats and dogs and my husband was doing the dishes.  I was striving for mom and wife of the year at that point (nope!).  I just wanted to get my graphic done, get the kids to do 30 minutes of cleaning with me, and then it was pajama time.  It all worked out.  All three things were completed and then my kids realized that the neighbor kids were all still playing outside.  It was 7 pm and my kids need to wind down.  I know I may seem like a cruel momma, but these babies need their sleep and I don't care if the entire neighborhood is having a party or carnival, they were not going outside but rather getting ready for bed.  Then the tears came.  You know those tears of "It's not fair" or "You're the meanest more ever".  I just love those phrases, said no mom ever!

So at this point we were all losing our minds and that fabulous local wine had definitely stopped warming my insides and I just needed folks to be in bed.  It was agony.  I felt like I had gone to war and I was about ready to just lay on my sword and admit defeat, but I couldn't let the little humans win right?  And it would all be over soon, right?  Well everyone was in bed, crying when of course more chaos had to occur.  Seriously Lord, I am not sure I could handle any more at this point, but he had a little message for me.

That message was delivered to me as I read a Little Critter book to my son, praying that Audrey would stop crying like a crazy person, and then the noise downstair begun.  The only thing downstairs was our cat on our deck.  See our deck is an enclosed deck that has no steps so it is the best outdoor cage for an indoor cat who wants to seek adventure.  She basically takes cat naps out there and on hot days I fear she is baking her insides.  But Sunday night, that glorious evening of just hoping the kids could would go to sleep and I could have a little peace was quickly interupted by loud banging, meowing, screeching, and nails scratching on glass and linoleum.

I hear all the commotion and throw the book at Ayden and run downstairs.  I knew the cat had something, and honestly I had no idea what, but when I got downstairs I found our cat in a very proud stance with one paw on a poor sparrows neck.  Seriously this cat was pausing for me as all these tiny feathers were floating all around my kitchen floor.  Imagine someone getting caught in a pillow fight with down pillows and all the pillows drifting around, that was the scene I walked into except I had a cat ready to slaughter a bird and all I could think about was what a mess that thing would make if it flew around our house if the cat had already slashed it.

I don't even know how this worked out so perfectly, but I pushed the cat out of the way and scooped up the bird.  The poor thing looked at me with the eyes of gratitude and the cat began meowing and trying to climb up my leg.  Seriously cat, your fun is over.  While all this is going on, low and behold, Tyler has no clue what is going on.  I had to yell upstairs for him to open our basement slider so that I could place the bird on the grass because I had no idea how much damage may have been done.  Tyler of course was shocked to see me holding a bird and all I can think is how did you not hear all this going on?  Then again he was in the room with wailing Audrey so I guess I should cut him some slack.

I released the bird and it miraculously flew out of my hands and went about its evening, all while I am thinking this did not happen.  Like seriously how in the world do these things happen to the Evans' family.  It is little chaos that just makes me laugh.  I know see the message as I wake up with new eyes for a new day.  We were to not sweat the small stuff, you know the screaming and crying, because even though it may seem like a big deal at the time it really is nothing compared to having a cat sit on your throat with her claws out and ready to go in for the kill.  There are days I feel like my kids are sitting on my waiting to go in for the kill, end my sanity right then and there, and then I have to remember guess what they are kids.  And you know what makes it even easier to get through that though?  That there is fabulous wine that can always help bring the chaos view down a notch or two.

Happy Monday folks!

2 Kids to 1

I feel super guilty writing about this, but after a few days of Audrey at kindergarten I have noticed something...having only one kid around during the day is easy in some regards.  I mean Ayden doesn't keep himself as entertained as well as he does with Audrey around, but he can find things to do independently and I can actually get things done.  Like really done, and the activities we can do together are genuine.  Not that anything I did with two kids wasn't, but I just feel like this is the first time that Ayden and I really have had that time to engage in some conversations.  Of course it was just Ayden and I when Audrey was at preschool, but that was for a short period of time and we did a lot of errands during that time and he was not into talking and learning as much as he is now.

We made jam yesterday and I was just amazed on how intrigued he was on measuring and what the ingredients in the jam were.  And the crazy thing is he can tell me right now which container holds instant pectin and sugar.  It is almost as if the distance from Audrey and the fact that we have more time together, a fire has been ignited.  The kid just floors me.  I knew he was smart, but the fact that he has to practice his letters and numbers the moment we get home after dropping Audrey off at school makes me realize he will just be fine at preschool this year.

But there is this weird guilt I have.  I feel guilty that Audrey is at school working hard, and Ayden and I are off on our adventures.  Whether it is going to the Children's Museum or just staying home and making cookies (it's on the agenda for the next couple days), these are things I used to do with Audrey and Ayden and I sometimes feel guilt.  However to my surprise yesterday she did make the comment when she found out we went to the museum that us going was just fine because she was at school being a big kid.  As long as she continues with this great attitude, I guess I shouldn't feel guilty for doing the activities.  Plus, Ayden and I have to get out of the house because otherwise we may go a little stir crazy.

I will continue to feel a little guilty, but at the same time I love the fact that I can get so much more done and the little trips like going to Target are far easier than with two:)

Kindergarten Survival

You can sense the theme here.  It's kindergarten.  This is my reality now and I am just trying to cope over here.

The first day went okay.  I say okay because even though Audrey was super excited and said she had a great time, Ayden and I struggled.

We began our day with lots of First Day of Kindergarten pictures.  I survived with no tears.  We parked the car and walked up to the school and surprisingly there were no tears.  I was very surprised on how well I was doing, and then it hit me.  Audrey wanted to take a picture with her teacher, and things got real. Like I snapped the pictured, pulled Audrey to the line she was to stand in, and literally tapped out of the situation and very aggressively told Tyler to take over.  The tears were streaming and I could not make them stop, but I did not want her to see me because well that would make things bad, so I hid behind Ayden as I held him.  I am sure there were tons of folks thinking, Lord help that lady, but at that point I did not care.  I was sad and was being consoled with gentle pats on the back by my 3 year old.

I think as Audrey walked off in line into the school, it got me the most.  She didn't even look back at us, she confidently walked into the school and I knew she was going to be fine, but ugh...the tears.  There was a Boo Hoo breakfast that we could go to after the kids went in, but I decided that since I was already a hot mess I just couldn't do it.  After we got to the car, I cried some more and began to bawl once Ayden began singing his own song about how Audrey was going to school and he wanted her to stay home with him.  The kid was literally singing the blues, but at least I know he truly does love her.

Ayden and I sat at the table and he ate some breakfast while I drank some coffee.  He kept asking what was wrong with me because I kept crying.  I seriously ugly cried for at least an hour and a half, but hopefully the crying is over for now.  I mean I don't think I have any tears left!

With all that being said, we all survived.  This will be a transition for us all, but I know Audrey is happy and will enjoy her kindergarten year.  Ayden and I will be adjusting to the change, but before I know it he will be starting preschool up in September and hopefully a new set of emotions will not be overcoming me.  Who am I kidding, I may be crying the next couple weeks, but as everything in life, this to shall pass.

Here's to hoping I can keep it together when I drop her off today!