Well it has been pretty obvious that I have been MIA for quite some time from my blog. Lets just say I have truly been struggling with finding balance in my life, and unfortunately writing has taken a back burner.
Right now though I have a pressing issue weighing on my heart and that is attempting to find balance. See I have always had this problem with wanting to be it it all. You know what I am talking about, that person who seems to always have it together and figured out? I also want to be that person who is able to say yes to everything! I want to be able to help others out, to complete that checklist, to go to bed at night not regretting the epic loss of control because I just couldn't handle repeating myself one more time, and just make sure I am a good role model for my children. As you probably can read in my writing a sense of despair, and it is true, I have failed at being able to accomplish any of these items I have listed above. I have failed at so much, and I am starting to feel defeated.
It is so much easier to look at others and say I wish I could keep it together like that and have patience. I wish I could do all those things, and why can't I? These folks doing it all, appear to have more on their plate and yet do it all in stride. And then there is me, who most days I feel like I am in a life boat, in the middle of the ocean, alone, giving myself a high five that everyone survived the day!
Maybe this is me writing to tell myself in print that it is okay for me to continue to lead the life I am living this way? I am enough at this very moment in life and that I am giving all that I have for my kids and they are having their needs met to what they need at this very moment. However I feel that right now I am not giving my all because I have already said yes to so many things. I am being pulled in fifty directions and there is always someone I am disappointing, and that last part is what is killing me. Like I just spent the last ten minutes crying because I feel like I disappointed folks because things were not done in a timely manner. (But it got done right? That should be enough to speak for itself.)
So this is what I am going to do right now. I am going to just let things go....like literally. If any of you that read this I disappointed you, I am sorry, and that is all I can say. I am not giving an excuse. I am just admitting I have taken on too much and I am just trying to fulfill my duties of those obligations.
There you have it...I am going to continue living my life being comfortable being one of the okayest moms out there and try my best to help when I can, but realize at the same time that I just won't be one of those people folks wished they could be because they have it all together. I am okay with being the woman that folks may see as just getting by because I know I am more than that inside, however I just don't have the energy to disperse that I am more for the world to see.
