Easter Candy

Oh boy I am so glad that the Easter Candy is seasonal.  I can normally get through all the holidays without caving until Easter time.  Easter candy is my weakness, and I was actually at a point where I had cut out all sugar out of my diet and then the company Cadbury took over my will power!

I am not even sure why I enjoy Easter candy so much, but I tell you Starburst Jellybeans and Mini Eggs by Cadbury are like crack in my house.  They kids totally take advantage of this too.  They see mom sneaking candy because that is what I have to do or I am forced to share, and then they get this glazed over zombie look and beg for candy.  Great...I have three crack, I mean candy, addicts in the house.  Tyler, well I cannot even reference his love of sweets because the guy can have whatever sweet he likes and not gain anything so I am leaving him out for now.

The crazy thing is that I had basically gotten rid of all sugar out of my system and my skin was beginning to look fabulous, and my scalp issue was gone as well.  Now my addiction of Easter candy is probably going to send me back to square one, but it is totally worth every piece.  Eventually I won't be able to get this yummy goodness until next year and I will battle the temptations once again, but until then I will be hoarding my jellybeans and mini eggs and enjoying them for the rest of the week.  Unfortunately I will then begin the sugar detox and workout routines hard core once we are back from our vacation, but until then I will just enjoy instead of feeling so guilty.  Okay I may feel a little guilty if I eat an entire bag by myself, so maybe that is a sign that it is okay to share with my kiddos so I do not get to the eating an entire bag of jellybeans by myself stage.  Thanks little humans!

Bed Time

Bed time is very routine at our house, and Tyler and I have worked very hard to keep things consistent and calm for the kiddos bedtime routine.  Lately however I think bedtime routine has become chaos.  The kids are in their beds after stories have been read and it is taking them longer and longer each evening to fall asleep.  I am not sure if it is because we are not letting them fall asleep in our bed like we have done previously, well Audrey has not Ayden.  Or if it is simply because the kids still are crazy due to the time change?  Whatever the case may be it is exhausting and we are definitely at our whits end.

Not going to bed on time for the kiddos for some reason equals and early rise time as well.  Then it is a viscous battle of not getting enough sleep.  The kiddos then become cranky by about 6 pm, they throw epic tantrums and then they wind up by the time it is bed time.  I am not sure why this happens with the kids, but I have seen that this is a common thing.  It wouldn't be so bad if my kids still napped.  The bed time would be pushed back and the early morning would continue, but they would at least get added sleep in the day to help with that brain development.  Unfortunately that is not happening and we will continue to push through with this stage.

I do hope though that as the weather turns warmer and the kids get more fresh air than we get our routine back.  Or maybe this is just how it is.  Some parents have kiddos that still do not sleep through the night and they are school age.  I guess I would prefer my "me" time to be interrupted so that I may sleep through the night, but it is so funny to me how quickly routines can be changed.  We didn't change, but I guess the kids did.

Not only have they changed their bed time, but their behavior and ability to push the envelope is starting to arise.  They are really trying to define who they are as individuals and it is a little exhausting as we try to redirect them in the appropriate direction.  We will get through this just like we get through every other week and maybe one day we will look back upon this time and giggle at the chaos.  However right now the tears and the kid chosen bed time needs to cease.

Yelling

Some days, okay lets be honest, most days I feel my words fall upon deaf ears in this house.

Earlier this evening Tyler and I were talking about how what we used to get reactions from in terms of our stern talking to is now falling upon deaf ears and we have had to take our talking to the next level, yelling.  I know I hate to admit it, but we have become yellers.  I sometimes feel I "bark" just as much as that stupid dog that is next door that barks all the time.  No wonder my kids don't listen when all I do is holler and nag them.  However I have to admit that since I have been so exhausted it is easier to "bark" than find the alternative solutions to redirect my kids.  As I type this I do realize how ridiculous this sounds.  I am complaining about how I yell, but then again I don't want to fester up energy to redirect.  Sigh...this is an issue.

This is a start though because I am admitting it is an issue right?  So what is it that I am going to do?  Well for one I think we need to start taking away the novelties in our house.  The kids need to go back to earning things rather than them just being given to them.  I truly feel that sometimes we are getting on the kids for being ungrateful, but then again we are the problem because we are providing everything for them.  Now it is our job as parents to provide certain things for the kids, but the extras, you know the screen time or the new book or toy, that stuff needs to stop.

I sometimes feel that since we can afford to provide these fun things for the kids that we should, but then I recall my childhood and how grateful we were for the little things.  I want my children to have a sense of pride that they earn things and that the sense of entitlement needs to be wrestled in so that my kids actually appreciate things.  Don't worry, I don't have complete spoiled brats and they do act grateful towards others gestures and gifts, but to their parents that is a different story.  I also have to remember they are only 2 and 4, but boy I would like to get through a day when I am not nagging the kiddos or getting frustrated with them because they seem not to care.

So as you can see this is a problem we have and I don't think we are the only family out there dealing with this particular behavior.  I have come to realize that this set back we are having right now is not something we can solve over night either.  We will have to work hard, both the kids and parents to get to a point where we feel we need to be.  It will definitely take patience and time, but we will get there.  Until then I will be attempting to redirect as much as possible, but I can't guarantee I will be on my "A" game all the time.  :)

Emotions

Ugh...the emotions are raw in the Evans house.

Now I thought it was just Audrey because she is probably the loudest in our house currently.  This may be shocking to some of you who know me because I think I have met my match with this one.  :)  She is loud and everything is a big deal.  We tell her to do something that she doesn't like, and well she verbalizes it and in her own four and a half year old way is telling us where to stick our words.  I know it is just a phase, but we are trying our hardest to have her learn the boundaries and what is acceptable.  It is draining, but it is our job.  And after I am beginning to feel better from my terrible cold and Tyler recovers from his food poisoning, I have realized she hasn't been the only emotional one in the house.

I am afraid to admit it, but I have been quite the hot mess.  It has a lot to do with lack of sleep and being sick, but boy as I reflect on what set me off the past couple days I have realized how emotional I am.

Now it may also be a little insecurity too.  I have never been an insecure person, but when it comes to being a mom I think I probably may be very insecure.  I feel I have people always judging and watching my every move on how I am going to handle the tantrum or the out of control toddler.  It comes with the territory and that is okay, but what I notice is that I become insecure in other areas too.  I read into emails and messages and begin to wonder what the underlying purpose is.  My mind always goes to, "Am I not enough?" or "Am I really allowing myself to be perceived as that bad of a person who is complaining?"  The thing is, maybe I am not enough or I am being perceived as a bad person, but you know what it doesn't really matter what others think.  Even though it hurts sometimes, it truly doesn't matter.  I only have one person that I need to turn to and have care about what is going on in my world.  However when the emotions are raging it is hard to remember that.

I think I will prescribe myself some reading, lots of cuddles with my babies, and sleep!

The Quiet House

It is late and I am still awake.

This rarely happens that I get out of the house and I come home and I am not completely exhausted.  Normally I go to bed by 9 pm, and I am sure I will be needing a coffee IV tomorrow morning, but there is something bittersweet about a silent house.  I love that no one is tugging at me asking me to play or for a snack.  I mean the cat has obviously hunkered down for the night because she did not even greet me as I sit typing at the dining room table.  The quiet is bliss and I am able to just be me.

So why am I writing about this anyway?  The reason I have for writing is because I can.  I am not being bothered by anyone and my thoughts are clear and you know what I cannot stop thinking about?  I can't stop thinking about how much I want to talk to my family that is slumbering upstairs.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I just typed an entire paragraph on how I enjoy the quiet and the ability to just be alone, and I am then completely doing a 180 and talking about how much I want to talk to the family.  I don't know what it is, but I was only gone for three and a half hours and I missed my kids and Tyler so much.  Maybe I need to get out more, but I even took the time to write notes to the kids and place them at their settings at the table.  Have I become that crazy mom?  Yes friends, I have, and I think that it is okay because I am starting to realize how blessed I truly am.  Now that the fog of my sickness has begun to clear, I realize that without Tyler and the kids I used to be Lindsay.  Now that I have everyone in my life I have become Audrey's mom, Ayden's mom, or Tyler's wife.  I some days crave to be Lindsay without any responsibilities, but then again I realize what I have in front of me, and well even though the chaos can get loud and messy, I wouldn't trade it for the world!

And it is okay for you all to remind me of this post when I am pulling my hair out two days from now because I have lost sight of what I have to be blessed about.  For now I will just be grateful:)

2 years and 7 months

On January 10, 2015, I lost my grandfather.  In two years and seven months I had lost all of my grandparents.  I was so angry and had such a heavy heart.  The grief that I took on was like a weight that was tied to my ankle and dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean.  

Now I know I am not the first person in the world to lose someone, but when I lost my grandfather it was final.  The end of a chapter in my life was ending and I had absolutely no control over it.  Now I am the type of person who has control issues.  I like to feel that I have a handle on something, but something as large as life and death, how could I ever feel I would be able to control that?  Even when my family placed the phone up to my grandfather's ear as I said my final good bye, I still was telling him that this was not part of the plan and he needed to just stay longer so I could have my one last visit that was only in one week.  Honestly that last visit wasn't going to make his leaving this Earth any easier, but in the heat of the moment I thought that was what I needed.  

What I needed?  Why is it when in times of crisis we become so hyper focus on what will make us better?  Why is it that I felt so betrayed by the person I prayed to not even an hour before saying that if my grandfather had to pass away I would be okay with it as long as he was no longer suffering, and then an hour later I was praying for him to bring my grandfather back?  When I think about this, I often wonder if God thinks I am a little confusing or crazy at times.  Who am I kidding, he made me this way so he must have known what he was doing right?

I am not sure how I thought things would go after my grandfather's funeral.  I thought there would be closure, and to a certain extent there was.  I said my good byes and celebrated his life with all the people who loved him dearly, but when I got home the hole in my heart was still there and I was not dealing with the grief as I probably should have.  I was constantly busying myself with the chaos of life and I was just shoving those feelings down further and further.  Every time I talked about a grandparent, I broke down, which I feel is normal because I was once again sad that this chapter in my life was ending.  That my children would never experience their great grandparents as I experienced my grandparents, however it wasn't until my grandparent's house was being cleaned out and getting ready to go on the market, did I know I had a problem.  

Now when I say problem, I am not sure that is the best way to refer to it.  I would have to say that this struggle was something that reared its ugly head the moment my grandparent's home had interested buyers.  I began to feel my childhood memories were being sold.  Can you believe that was what I was thinking?  Memories aren't made of things, but are made by the experience, yet I was so afraid of losing that one thing that allowed so many experiences to happen I thought I was going to lose the house and the memories of my grandparents.  It definitely sounds a little crazy, but that was the place I was at.  And somehow during all this, I would lash out at my parents when they updated me on things, but I would just keep living my life here with my kids as if nothing was wrong.  

It wasn't until recently I realized that I needed to stop making excuses for myself and allow myself to grieve because as we know children learn from example and I was afraid my kids were going to have this grieving experience as their example and it scared me.  During all this I truly had been reading a lot and I began looking at some of the messages I was getting from the books I was reading and actually making it applicable to my grieving.  One book I was reading was One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. With this book, I read a couple things that began sparking a little understanding of attempting to deal with the grief.  

From Ann Voskamp's book she discusses the hard eucaristeo and how even these eucaristeos can be turned into a joy.  Now at first I was still asking myself, how in the world can I turn this closed chapter in my life into a joy when I hurt so much?  How could I turn this pain ultimately into joy?  Then I began thinking about how Jesus turned the Last Supper into an eucharisteo.  By taking the pain, thanking the Lord for it, and then transforming it into a joy still seems like a challenge as I am still in the trenches with my grief.  However I have come to the conclusion that my grandparents made me so happy.  I have so many fond memories of them and I decided that as I reflect upon them individually I can become a better person if I attempt to do things that they all did in their lives.  It is almost as if I am going to take a few small things in each of their lives and add them to my every day lifestyle.  I have created my list of things I want to do, however I still have not began to add them to my every day life.  I need to make that next step, but doing it then truly means I am ready to move on, but am I really ready?

I have begun to see a glimmer in my future.  With all the sadness I have endured, I have taken time to reflect and see all these great qualities of my grandparents in myself, family members, and even some quirky ones in my children.  It is great to get to a point where I can see that brighter future.  I still cry as I talk about the stories and memories, and I am sure I will for awhile because only time heals the pain.  But at this point now I know that I am not alone.  There will be many more endings to chapters in my life, but I do know that if I attempt to cope with these closings on my own, I will never make it.  We are never alone, and we will always have someone to help us up when we are down, all we have to do is turn to Him.

Weather

I am not sure exactly what happens, but once warm weather starts showing up I begin to feel fabulous.  I am sure it has a lot to the vitamin D aspect of things, but I tell you what this week we have been outside every day and I am loving it!  The only down side of being outside every day is that the kids and I are absolutely exhausted at the end of the day!

This week is Audrey's spring break and we have taken full advantage of doing an outdoor activity every day.  Yesterday we did the zoo and I busted out my t-shirt and flip flops and totally rocked them.  Now by the end of the excursion my toes were sore because they are at that stage of not having anything between the big toe for so long, but I think I have started that summer callous so lets bring on the warm weather.  Now mind you we haven't busted out the shorts or tank tops, but boy do I ever want to.  It is only March and it is crazy to take note of how much I missed summer.  I think everyone can agree that this weather has been nice, however it is Nebraska so I am awaiting the blizzard in a couple weeks:)

Regardless if the weather is here to stay or not, it sure has been a great way to cope with the time change and have such a gorgeous spring break for Audrey!  The only thing that would make this spring break complete in Ayden's eyes is if we could go to the Safari Park.  The kid is obsessed with that place and is counting down the days to the opening in April.  He started back in January asking to go to the Safari Park, so hopefully after preschool on April 1st, we may venture to the Safari Park to just make his day.  But then once it opens I think we go at least once a week there.  We go to the Safari Park and Zoo a lot in the summer, and we totally get our money's worth in our membership.

With all that being said, the weather has definitely helped with my winter blues and I am beginning to get a grip on a lot of things around the house.  The kids and I's cheeks are all sun kissed, and my house has sand from the playground scattered around and the smell of sunscreen is a fragrance in my car.  Yeah for Spring!