Lets see...I have never been the emotional type. I mean I cried when it was appropriate and have had feelings, but lately I feel I am a blubbering mess. This my friends is a hard thing to admit by the way!
Maybe I should go back to about ten years ago when I began my teaching career. I felt sympathy for my students and parents, but I never truly bought into the reasons and excuses that they always gave me about situations. I know, sounds pretty heartless. That was me, and seriously I have heard so many excuses that I could probably write a book, not a blog, about why things were overlooked or a behavior arose in the classroom. I did not get what it was to be a parents or have children. I loved my students and cared for them deeply, but as you read on you will see having children changed me. I reflect upon my emotions and behaviors as a teacher and I was kind of a hard ass.
When I had Audrey I definitely felt the change of my heart and how it flowed over into my teaching. I cared for my students, but I cared for the parents just as well. After I had Audrey, I began teaching online elementary students. I was interacting with both parents and students all the time. I got to learn about families and their dynamics more than I would being a teacher in the classroom. Maybe this is what softened me up as a teacher, but I wasn't that soft after baby number one. However, I did notice that sometimes when I would sing songs to Audrey I would tear up for no apparent reason and I just blamed it on the hormones because I was still nursing at the time.
It wasn't until I had Ayden that the floodgates opened up and they still have not closed. Let me share a few examples of my crying episodes.
Example one: Singing songs can still get me weepy! Seriously what is so emotional about the Itsy Bitsy Spider? I guess it is not the song that gets me worked up, it is the excitement and glimmer in both kids eyes that gets me every time. They have so much enthusiasm, life, and excitement to sing and do hand motions with me that is is literally allowing for a lump to start up in my throat right now. I know right....I am a hot mess!
Example two: I took Audrey to Disney on Ice when we were still living in the Springs, and I was so excited for her to go. I mean what little girl who loves princesses and Disney wouldn't? The enthusiasm and smile on her face was priceless. There were times she was jumping and screaming like a teenager at a Justin Bieber concert, and my heart just swelled for her. So there I was at the World Arena, everyone happy and excited, Audrey included, and I had huge tears running down my cheeks. Seriously what was wrong with me? Must be those hormones from nursing, right?
Example three: Now that Ayden is 19 months and slowly weening himself from his only feeding in the morning, I don't think I can blame this one on hormones. We took the kids to see Sesame Street Live yesterday. I was so excited because we have been waiting to go to this show for FOREVER! Ayden is really into Cookie Monster and Elmo, so this was great that he would get totally excited about the show like Audrey was. So the opening of the show begins and all the little Sesame Street friends are dancing and singing and it happens to me again. I am crying, I am assuming I am crying tears of joy, but seriously who cries at Sesame Street Live? And it wasn't just the initial crying at the beginning, I cried at random moments of the show. There were times Audrey and Ayden were dancing and excited, there were moments when they were talking about being different and how it was okay, the list and times go on. I am sure the guy sitting next to me was either thinking I was drunk or high, crazy, or maybe he was missing the part of the show I was watching.
I have so many other breakdown moments of tears, but honestly you may begin to question my sanity as you read more, so I am going to leave you with just the three examples.
My conclusions that I have come to for my emotions are that I hope that I am not crazy, but rather just very happy that I have been blessed with children that I love so much. I think having children has made me a better person and has given me a better understanding on life and how to approach it with open arms. I also know that when I get those great big hugs and kisses with the words of "I love you", my heart just melts and yes tears fall, but who cares. I am a mom, and if I can't model emotions for my children, who will?
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